Has Your Fire Gone Out?

Has your fire gone out?

Hello, my lovelies! After having the hottest two days on record for decades I actually want to talk to you about a lack of heat, well a lack of fiery passion to be precise! 

A fair few years ago now, I found myself in a place where my fire had completely gone out; I was unfulfilled at work, in my relationship, and my general day-to-day life. I was in surviving mode, not thriving mode and I was pretty miserable if I’m honest. 

Why did I spend so many years wasting my unique talents and staying in an unfulfilling relationship I hear you ask.  Well, because it was comfortable, it was safe, it was secure and it was also soul-destroying as fuck. 

The only time I ever felt confident and truly happy was when I was out partying and getting drunk.  But once the sun was up the next morning I was back in the same place, except with a monstrous hangover to boot!  

Looking back I guess I was a bit of a fuck up; I made poor choices and I made excuses.  

The thing is, I wasn’t all to blame; the subconscious mind likes to play safe and stick with what it knows best in order to protect us, even if that protection is sometimes seriously misplaced.

It takes a great deal of perseverance and making something real for that part of the brain to come on board and believe that this new and scary change you want to make is actually positive and not life-threatening!  

I know that when I started to try and light up my fire again there were many times I let it go out due to fear and lack of confidence and every time I started over it seemed to feel harder.  

There is a saying that at the end of your comfort zone is where life begins and I can totally see the logic behind that now.  

Making such big changes in my life was so uncomfortable, especially in the beginning but little by little I started to feel that aliveness and excitement that I had been missing for so long! 

Figuring out where your fire has gone out is just one part of the puzzle, the why, is also a critical piece.  For me, a lack of confidence combined with a healthy dose of anxiety kept me rooted in one spot.  

I can look back now and laugh but at the time it was ridiculous.  I used to take temporary roles because I was too scared to interview for a permanent job!  

Whenever any sort of focus or attention was placed on me I used to blush like a ripe tomato and pray that the ground would very quickly swallow me up. Working on my self-confidence and managing my anxiety are still areas that I have to work really hard at but the key is that I manage them now, not the other way round! 

Women in particular spend so much time nurturing others that we often forget to nurture ourselves. We forget that we had our own desires and dreams to chase after. And if we don’t stoke our inner fires or feed them with fuel, they begin to go out.  

I used to wonder why everyone else’s fires seemed to burn so brightly, their dazzling light forcing me further into the shadows.  

Listening to other people talk about the life they had created and manifested for themselves felt beyond my reach; who I was to even dare consider wanting a life like that for myself!  ( thanks Imposter Syndrome for helpfully pitching in!).  

We’ve also been conditioned for so long by so many methods that listening to that self-doubting, judgemental voice in our head has become second nature. 

But what would happen if you started to listen to that quieter voice more?  The one that keeps telling you to paint, write a book, open a business or join Tinder.  Would you feel terrified of failing?  Probably.  But what if you rose up like a goddess and felt all the feels! 

It’s often talked about but no one on their deathbed ever wishes that they’d spent more time worrying or cleaning.  They talk about the chances they didn’t take, the places they wished they’d visited, and the things they should have said to loved ones.  

The finality of life forces them to look honestly at their lives.  But we shouldn’t wait until the end of our journey on this sacred earth to reflect and fantasise.  We should dream now and act now.

 I know it’s cliche but life really is too damn short to be with the wrong person, to be in a job that bores you senseless, or to find that another year has passed that has just blended into all the others.  

I’m not saying that every day should be exceptional and that life will always be rosy but you deserve to have the fundamentals of happiness.  To feel lit up from within!  To stop settling.

 There are still days that I fight with my inner fuck up and I have to let her know that drowning a bad day in a bottle of vodka will work out particularly badly for me the next morning at 6.40 am when my toddler hollers from his bedroom ‘mummy, I need a poo’’ at the top of his little lungs! 

Life at the moment is really tough for many people; I don’t know about you but I can barely get through a car journey without hearing on the radio about how fuel prices are rising and energy costs are soaring and it’s so easy to use times like these to put things off and to make excuses.

Telling yourself that it’s not the right time to change careers or put yourself first for once.  But what I’ve learned about so many things in life is that there’s never a ‘right’ time.  

For me going from shit to lit (see what I did there?!) means I no longer feel stuck, bored, and disappointed in life.  It means I’m not playing small, I feel worthy and deserving, and I’m living in a lit-up way.  

What would it mean for you to not treat yourself like an afterthought but like a goddess?  To have the self-belief, self-love, self-esteem, and the confidence to go after whatever makes you happy. To stop living in the shadows skulking around scraping through life!  

‘A strong and barely controllable emotion’ is one definition of the word passion that I discovered when I went looking and it really made me smile. 

It got me thinking when was the last time I could barely control myself as I was so excited?  Honestly, when I got to go on holiday this year to see one of my best friends get married.  

I was practically bouncing on the plane (don’t judge me, it’s been three years!) and I was bursting with emotion when she walked down the aisle.  Did I feel lit up by the experience even though it wasn’t me getting married (sob) or me having done anything purposeful?  Absolutely.  

Lighting up your fire doesn’t always have to be self-led.  Perhaps the fire in your relationship has gone out because one or both of you has stopped making an effort.  Perhaps pursuing charity work or helping your community is something that would light you up. 

Feeling fiery is such a personal thing and so unique to each individual.  What makes one person happy could make another cry and that’s the beauty of it!  Remembering and recognising what’s precious to you and what your big dreams are is so important.  

For me, I’m often reflecting on how I can create the best life possible for my little one, and when it’s time for bed and we pop his starry night light on I lift him high so that he can touch the stars. 

I will always encourage him to reach as high as he can and go after his dreams.   But just words from me aren’t enough, I need to set an example.  I need to make sure that despite how busy life can get, I am still pursuing my dreams and still stoking my fire.  

Where in your life do you feel that your fire has gone out or is slowly dwindling?  What dreams have you put on the back burner?  Tell me one thing in the comments section that you could do today to start the ball rolling.

Lu x

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